"Getting
to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting
Connection"
by
Steven Carter, with Julia Sokol
Getting to Commitment My boyfriend was (is?) a text-book commitment-phobe. Another of the authors' books, "He's scared, she's scared," helped us both recognize the symptoms for what they were, but that book didn't offer any solutions. Finally, with this book, my boyfriend learned how to work with his fears and happily stay in our relationship. Between the two books he learned his triggers, his reactions, and how to remain calm in the face of them. We have now been together over 3 years and are having a fantastic relationship! I strongly recommend this book to anyone who is a commitment-phobe but who recognizes they are, yet truly wants a committed relationship.~J.B.
Book Description
Do your relationships always crash? Do your married friends wonder what's
wrong? "They write sitcoms about people like us," says "commitmentphobia"
expert Steven Carter, "but it looks a lot more fun on the small screen than
it feels in real life." The problem may be your fear of the risks of intimacy
and commitment. Carter himself was a closet "commitmentphobic" when he wrote
Men Who Can't Love. Now, in
Getting
to Commitment, he explains how to break those patterns and forge
intimate connections--as he has done in his own life. Carter sees eight hurdles
between you and the relationship you deserve. He deftly analyzes each problem,
points out self-destructive nonsolutions, and explains the steps necessary
to break the barrier. For example, one hurdle is blaming your partners'
shortcomings for the failure of previous relationships. Breaking the pattern
involves seeing how you choose particular partners and self-destruct in
relationships--going from blame to responsibility. Other hurdles include
relationship-history ghosts, living in fantasy, and ineffective behavior
patterns. "If we are to experience intimacy, our hearts have to be brave
as well as loving," says Carter.
Getting
to Commitment will help you find that courage. Highly
recommended.
READER'S COMMENTS ON Getting to Commitment
Mr. Steven Carter has lots of great insights
into relationship dynamics, presented here in easy-to-understand language,
and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. A rather simple, yet
very informative read. Lots of questions are answered: Why do some people
rush into relationships? How do people find themselves in abusive relationships?
Why do people who desperately seek commitment have trouble finding it? The
answers are here, and Carter helps the reader work on themselves, so they
can find the love they want. It empowers the reader, giving them choices,
and noting that love is a process, not an answer. His main points emphasize
that the reader stand up for what they believe in and want in relationships,
and not settle for less, and always to take it slow. Lots of info here, looking
forward to the next Carter report.~A Reader
I am a female in and out of a relationship with a man that has severe anxiety and has bailed out on me several times. This book has given me insight on why he is doing this and what part I may be playing into this scenario. I have identified what I need to work on in myself and can see what he needs to do to face his fears. I believe that counseling is a must but the book can serve a purpose in that it brings to light obstacles that are put in the way of actully connecting in a real way to another person. I found this book enlightening especially since it was written by a man that had the same issues and has overcome them and now is happily married.~A Reader
5 stars doesn't begin to desribe how accurate and useful this book was. As I read it I got clammy and weak kneed becasue it PERFECTLY described someone I'd been with and it answered about a million questions I had about his bizzare change of behavior. It was eerily frigthening how accurate this book was in describing my ex. One day I was the air that the breathed and the next day he wasn't sure how he felt about me, literally. What I learned is to trust my gut feeling no matter what. HIGHLY recommnded for any woman who's getting to know a man who seems too good to be true or one who has something she can't quite put her finger on. Commitment phobia is probably that "thing"~A Reader
I read
Getting
to Commitment
in
the hopes of unearthing the commitment issues my old boyfriend was suffering
from. Imagine my surprise to find myself in the same book. This book clearly
points out some of the self-constructed barriers we put up, when we honestly
think we are giving love our best shot. If you are thinking you might need
this book, read this book.~A Reader
Getting
to
Commitment was given me by a co-worker and it really helped me to understand
so much of what I had been doing in previous relationships...and what not
to do in the one that I am currently in. I have been seeing this wonderful
guy for about 5 months and he wants to build a life together...I refuse to
even call him my boyfriend just yet, all because I think that somehow I will
ultimately end up hurt or running for fear of committment...this book is
an eye-opener for anyone who has had a pattern of loves lost or never found
due to our pasts, our parents or those that we call ourselves "in love" with....I
highly recommend it....It makes me feel like I am finally looking in the
mirror at myself, my soul and my ability to be in a healthy and committed
relationship...I know now that I am able and I deserve it...~A
Reader
Steven Carter definitely knows this subject first hand and it shows. As a woman who has dated more than one commitmentphobic, it's helpful to understand why many men can't commit.I particularly liked the examples of the conflicts between the couples throughout the book. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to make a commitment but can't figure themselves out or to anyone frustrated by a noncommital mate. Learning to deal with reality versus fantasy and fear is really highlighted.~A Reader
I have had three commitmentphobic relationships in my life, the
last one being the hardest. I wanted to understand why it happened, how to
stop the patterns etc and bought as many Steven Carter books as I could on
the subject. I read this book some 3 months or so ago. I feel it is a book
written more for the commitmentphobic than for the passive partner. Steven
explains the behaviourism of commimentphobics and offers some advice in how
they can stop the behaviour but doesn't explain how they can do it and Steven
didn't really give much detail of his own case history as an example, which
I was hoping for.
I personally don't feel it offers much help to the passive partner in how
to recover from the relationship as most of Steven's books say just "forget
the commitmentphobic and move on" which is easier said than done especially
when someone has been such a profound part of your life. I bought Steven's
books trying to understand the commitmentphobic and how to heal etc - this
book didn't offer that ... when I finished the book, I thought, oh, I didn't
really learn much at all and am still searching how to heal.
I have since been reading many other books in an attempt to find ways to
help me heal from this (as it's been 5 months since the end of the relationship
and I'm still hurting) and recommend that
Getting
to Commitment be bought (as it does give some insight) to understand
a little coming from the commitmentphobic point and to also read books such
as Pia Mellody's "Facing Love Addiction - Letting Go of Toxic Love" which
shows and helps you work on your own personal healing step by step and at
the same time helps you understand why you are a Love Addict (passive partner)
and why your partner is an Avoidance Addict (commitmentphobic). It's probably
best to read Steven Carter's book as well as I was able to understand Pia's
book better having read Steven's book first (hope that made sense). ~A
Reader
My first introduction to Steven Carter was his book "He's Scared, She's Scared" which a friend recommended to me upon the dissolution of a relationship. While that book was a great help, it wasn't strong on what to do about it. That is where this book excels. Like many psychological issues, it is not a matter of whether or not we have the condition, it is only a matter of degree. Getting to Commitment has helped me identify my trigger points for commitmentphobia (fear of commitment) and how to manage them. By taking self-responsibility I am able to deepen intimacy in my life. This book would be helpful to anyone seeking to improve or work on relationships.~A Reader
"Getting
to Commitment" moves
beyond Carter's previous book ("Men Who
Can't Love") in two significant ways. First, he recognizes that commitment
issues are not just a "guy" problem. Both sexes have them, frequently for
the same reasons that are often deeply rooted in our childhood or adolescence.To
Carter, these negative experiences hinder development of a mature, whole
"Self", and are the basis for insecurities that become barriers to commitment.
Second, Carter moves beyond simply identifying symptoms -- the warning signs
for potential partners -- and meaningfully addresses proactive steps those
with commitment problems can take to overcome the barriers to a fulfilling
relationship. Significantly, Carter has traveled this road himself, which
lends credibility to his prescriptions. The basis for his solutions is that
those with commitment problems must take responsibility to be totally content
with themselves and their own lives before they seek a relationship with
someone else. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment issues or
involved with someone who is.~A Reader
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to Commitment"
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